Young Writers Society

Hmm... it was pretty good.

Aside from what Jabberhut and Azila said, when you said "The arrow pierced the bucks hide," you might want to make "buck's hide", and when you put "he sat there,-motionless-.", you might want to drop the last -. Lastly, when you put "He did not do wrong but it would be wrong when he stopped feeling pain from killing", you might want to put a , somewhere in there.

Well, hope it helped.

Hello, R. J. Hoffman. ^^ Thought I'd stop by and see what you are willing to present to us. (I'm gonna rip, tear, and smile the whole time )

Forgive me for any repeated comments.

Wind ripped at his face, howled like a thing tormented.

All he could see was a wall of snow through squinted eyes, eyes in a face stinging from cold as much as the wind whipped snow.

Passing [?] minutes [s]went by that [/s] seemed like hours, and hours [s]that seemed[/s] like years, until all sense of time lapsed and there was no telling how long he sat there,[s]-motionless-[/s] motionless.

Then as suddenly as the blizzard had begun, it broke, like a wave on rock. [I realize Azila pointed this out. I didn't notice it, though, 'til she pointed out. I agree with her ^^] Hours more still went by were he seldom noticed [s]the [/s] his numbed fingers and toes [s]that had lost feeling[/s].

Then he saw it, [colon instead ^^] a stag striding majestically through the waist deep snow.

He new what he must do to this beautiful creature, even as he emptied his mind of all emotion fed it into a flame until it was burned away and he mentally floated in a void of nothingness.

Even as he raised his bow to full draw felt the fletching of his arrow brush his cheek, the deer tensed at the noise of his bow and looked at him.

[s]in[/s] In a [s]heart beat[/s] heartbeat, he met its eyes that seemed to [s]peer[/s] gaze [?] into his very [s]sole[/s] soul and knew what was about to happen, [period] he released the arrow.

Time seemed to slow and freeze as the arrow left the bow and he could see every hair on the stag.

The arrow pierced the bucks hide, [s]seemed[/s] seeming to sprout from the space behind its upper arm.

He felt it, felt the feeling of broad head slicing through veins and flesh towards its heart as if it was his own.

Then it ceased. [s]the[/s] The buck was down. [s]but it[/s] It seemed as if he had shot [s]him self[/s] himself, though, and felt the pain of taking a life, but words managed to wiggle their way into his consciousness.

He did not do wrong, but it would be wrong [s]when[/s] if he stopped feeling pain from killing.

I recommend NEVER using the "pre" setting for posting your stories on these forums. It makes the text in a really weird font that (I think) is really hard on the eyes. Rather than using "pre" I suggest just posting the text as is and spacing the paragraphs out.

The version below has the font and spacing fixed and also has my comments (italics) and my suggested changes (bold).

R. J. Hoffman wrote:Wind ripped at his face, howled like a thing tormented. All he could see was a wall of snow through squinted eyes, eyes in a face stinging from cold as much as the wind-whipped snow.

Minute went by that seemed like hours and hours that seemed like years until all sense of time lapsed and there was no telling how long he sat there, motionless.

Then as suddenly as the blizzard had begun,[<--note that I added a comma there] it broke, like a wave on rock. Hours [s]more still[/s] went by were he seldom noticed the numbed fingers and toes that had lost feeling. [<--that is a little repetitive... saying "numbed" implies that they had lost feeling. You should delete one or the other of the underlined sections]

Then he saw it, a stag striding majestically through the waist-deep snow.

He new what he must do to this beautiful creature, even as he emptied his mind of all emotion fed it into a flame until it was burned away and he mentally floated in a void of nothingness. [<--I don't understand that sentence. >.< If I did I might be able to help you with it... but I really don't understand what you're trying to say.] Even as he raised his bow to full draw and felt the fletching of his arrow brush his cheek, the deer tensed [s]at the noise of his bow[/s] and looked at him. In a heartbeat he met its eyes that seemed to peer into his very sole and knew what was about to happen.

He released the arrow.

Time seemed to slow and freeze as the arrow left the bow and he [I think you should replace this "he" here with something like "the hunter" or "the boy/man" or something. ^_~]could see every hair on the stag. The arrow pierced the bucks hide, seemed to sprout from the space behind its upper arm. He felt it, felt the feeling of broad head slicing through veins and flesh towards its heart as if it was his own. Then it ceased. the buck was down but it seemed as if he [<--again, I think you should use something other than "he"] had shot himself and felt the pain of taking a life , but words managed to wiggle their way into his consciousness.

He did not do wrong but it would be wrong when he stopped feeling pain from killing.